What do you think of this little bit of my story?

its very good! except you need to paragraph desperately, because otherwise the reader would get lost in this big block of writing!! they get a little confused and lost, so thats why paragraphing helps. also, add a little more description, not just what she looks like or what shes doing, but maybe what her room looks like or smells like, what her perfume smells like (if she is wearing any - which if she is dressing up like that im guessing she would be), or stuff like that. And everything goes a little quickly for such a short section of writing. just slow down and take it easy! lol, but these are my only concerns, apart from them it is a very good piece!!